A Return To Normality

2010-08-07T20:02:00.001-07:00

Its so nice to have dual blogs . . . I can talk about everything and anything here.

So dig this alright - I have NO idea how I'm not in a lockup.

I mean - what DO you do when you find out your life's calling is to be a criminal hey?

-laughing-

ahhh... I've done it all but . . .at the same time . . .

I've barely scratched the surface. mmmmm...

of course this talking about crime is trying to offset all the heartbreak I'm feeling below.

But if you've read this blog more than once you already know that.

I'm just trying to stave off everything.

See . . . I'm . . . pretty damn stable . But . . .
When it comes to just this one girl .

Everything goes skittles . -chuckles-

2010-08-07T10:39:00.001-07:00

There will come a time when I lose my patience .

When that happens this blog will disappear.

And so will I.

When the day comes . . .
I don't know. I'll figure it out when it comes down to it.

-sighs+leans back-

how'd it get like this... how'd you mess your whole life up.
No... it isn't messed up until she decides never to come back.

Thats when its completely ruined . Thats when I think . . .I'll quite literally take it out on everything around me.

I'll fucking explode.

-sighs- you know when a girl is PERFECT?
all of a sudden she becomes perfectly UNATTAINABLE.

fucking shite .

and I can't play her either because . . .well thats not it .
so I can't use anything on her .

Which means its just me . Because thats how we fell in love - and nothing else is the same and FUCK.

-sighs+exhales-

forget it .

2010-07-21T07:38:00.001-07:00

So he's like "dude you'd better get back with your ex..."

and I'm like "yeah I know"

in my head I'm just . . ."where did THAT come from?"

-sighs-

so anyway I guess its pretty obvious its months on and I'm still hung up.

Or at least.... I'm holding the phone but the line is dead.

Why does shit have to be so fucked up eh?
why can't I just... be with the person I love and not have to WORRY about that kinda shit anymore period?

why not....

why's it so hard.
even when she knows she loves me...

I can't understand. I can't....

2010-07-06T21:43:00.000-07:00

you've left me twice now.

you lied to me that you were alone, just simply loving me, until april .

when I found out in the worst way that you were with another guy.

I came back just for you - I dropped my whole life - for you. - true that was my own damned mistake now wasn't it? Now that you can - proclaim and trumpet from your high horse - ohhh yess jeremy deserves this. He came back for me I never asked him to do anything.

sure . use a little brains for once why don'tcha?

and I still fucking love you even right now.

I can't help myself - but my brain's kicking me in the balls for it.

You were with him since last fucking year?!

Talk about fuckin truth... you couldn't even wait or give us a goddamned chance could you now.

And you fucking left .

you lying......

nevermind.

face the truth.
I was always true about staying with you forever. You even wanted to get engaged in 2012.
I was cool with that.

You left for a fucking convenient love just because I couldn't be around at the time.
and now you're just refusing to even talk to me because lets face it deep fucking down there're still feelings in there.

yaknow why?

Because you chose a convenient love over a perfect one.

I know better.

And I know you.

And I still love you carolyn.

I will try.

2010-06-27T08:57:00.001-07:00

I will try. I will try. I will fucking try.

FUCK .

how is this possible. I must have like split personalities or something...

I probably do actually...

god damn fucking WHORE .

damn you jeremy why'd you go and trust some lying bitch huh?!
Why'd you make an exception why the fuck.

Oh because you fell in "LOVE" oh fucking great look where thats landed YOU UP .

Now you're fucking STUCK UNABLE TO GET OVER SOME STUPID CHICK WHO LEFT YOU.

GREAT .

FUCKING GREAT .

And it isn't even about getting over anymore .

Its just about getting back with her .

Fuck...

Who knew emotions were so messy eh?

thats why I always kept them out of relationships UNTIL I FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS CHICK AND IT WAS SO FUCKING GREAT .

-sighs-

until she left me.

-scratches the keyboard-

ffrrkk .
and I show so much self restraint.
I try you know?

nobody in this country knows the kind of person I am

but... fuck.

I can't go back down that path.

I won't. I must not.

Not even if she gives herself to him completely.

I mustn't .

I won't .

I will maintain with dignity what I have ever since I've been with her.

I will not lose my calm.
I will not resort to violence any more.

I will not.

I will not resort to violence.

I will not reap the rewards of suffering.

Not anymore jeremy not anymore.

stop.

The end.

2010-06-16T00:42:00.000-07:00

This blog hasn't been a return to normality.

Its been a descent into pain, emotional turmoil and general emotional wounding.

I can't stay this way forever.

find me where snaps of time are kept precious , and chucked into books of memories.

2010-06-09T10:53:00.000-07:00

I don't know who you are ,

but while I know this quote , and I know this head knowledge ,

I can't bring myself to do it .

I can't .

But thank you . whoever you are .

"There are many incredible women in this world. If you're hung up on one particular girl you just can't get out of your mind - and she hasn't given you any sense that she shares the feelings - then recognize that's not love you're feeling, but obsession. And that obsession is likely to scare her away. The best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to go out and interact with as many women as possible, until you realize that there are plenty of people out there for you - some of whom are capable of recognizing your worth and reciprocating your feelings."

Thanks buddy - but I've made a choice , and its to be . . . myself . unadulterated .
minus the playing .
minus all the bullshit .

with this one girl .

even if I drive her away at least I know I've done my best .

see . . . that way I prove to myself once and for all .

whether , if you be yourself with a girl , you can keep her love .
or at least , I being myself .

if this ends up falling to bits , at least I'll know for sure , I'll need to fake it to make it .

and then it'll be a sad fucking reality , and there'll still be no one girl that would have loved me the way she did .

but until she walks away forever , I'll always harbour hope .

2010-06-06T10:26:00.000-07:00

THINK HAPPY THINK HAPPY THINK HAPPY .

ahhh thats better .

geezus I was having thoughts of using my butterfly .
I love that baby . but . . . fuck hahaha .

I've sworn off knife violence and so it is .

geeezus christ . the feeling of . . .

if you know what a butterfly knife is , you'll know the sensation of flinging it open and locking it in place . knowing you'll be able to nick the throat of whoever . . .

AHHHGGHHGG HAPPY .

-sighs-

its hard being me sometimes -smiles wanly-
its hard being everybody .

but I'm going to have a self centered moment and say its hard being me .
and it fucking hurts like shit .

but thats life . it isn't a bed of roses and more often than not we get the ass end of the thorns .

fuctupanduncare

2010-06-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

its a friend's hotmail address that . heh .

at least I think thats how its spelt . . .

I feel like that most days now .
and every day I thank god nobody knows this blog exists . . .
or at least .

nobody who cares to tell me or show it .

thats good . . .if you know me irl and you're reading this - just don't make mention of it ever kay ?

my life every day has been an emotional wreck still . . .its getting no better .

sure it isn't getting WORSE .

but its getting no better . . .
emptiness still haunts my inner sanctums and I still miss my ex like she left me yesterday .

and she complains she's losing faith in normal relationships .

fah .

all I want is to be with her .
I mean - as long as you're in singapore , every guy's gotta go thru ns right ? :S
Its such an irony that - as a result of my wanting to be with her - I effectively starved myself of time with her .

interesting isn't it ?

so anyway now my life's just one great big ball of shit .
and tbh I couldn't care less if I died tonight .

its just all misery every damn day without her .

now I think she thinks I'm lying .

just because I appear like I'm o-k .

just because I SEEM to be fine on the surface and I carry out the rest of my life with surgical emotional precision . Yes . . . I'm fine on the surface .

But anyone who knows me more than a LITTLE knows I've got things being tossed around like a hurricane inside me every day . . .

Everything's just a distraction now .

But one day . . . fuck .

I don't know anymore .

I just want the love of my life back .

thats all I want .
thats all I need to be whole again .

2010-05-30T02:59:00.000-07:00

but no matter... I still think back to everything about her.

and she still melts my heart...

and I would do anything to be with her - you carolyn.

anything in the wide wide world .

I would do - just to be with you.

because I love you.

as long as you don't go and bang his brains out . -sighs-

"I just can't look , its killing me - and taking control,
cuz I'm mr. brightside"

I think

2010-05-30T02:32:00.000-07:00

you have to fact the fact that she doesn't give a flying fuck anymore . . .

no matter how much you try to convince her .
no matter how much waiting you do .

there will come a point where you decide while she IS worth the trouble she simply isn't reciprocating - and chances are you'll kill yourself waiting .

But like you said .
Its better to die for something than live for nothing .

Its true .

My life must have meaning . if there is no meaning to life - life should cease .

I'm not far off .
Not far not far...

But I'll be damned if I let her go without a fight .

I can't live without this girl .
and she knows but she doesn't care .

she just doesn't understand how much I love her . -sighs-

I don't even . . .

fuck it . this godforsaken blog .

it isn't doing anything . isn't changing anything .

what the fuck .

I should just fuck it and get him...
but DAMMIT . . . I just . . . want her to come back .
I don't need to get him killed .

nothing like that I just want to be with the girl I love . is that so wrong ?

IS IT ? REALLY ?

FUCK . I FUCKING CAN'T STAND THIS SHIT ANYMORE .
I'M IN THIS FUCKING HELLHOLE JUST DYING TO BE WITH THE ONE DAMN GIRL I LOVE .

and she IGNORES me to be with some dimwitted FUCKING CHEF piece of SHIT .

FUCK THE SENSE OF PURPOSE . I ALREADY KNOW WHAT I WANT IN LIFE AND ITS TO BE WITH HER AND BY FUCK NOBODY AND NO THING WILL STOP ME .

Fucking oath....

is it so hard to be with the one you love ?

is it really ?

I don't give a shit about anyone but her .
and she could give a rat's ass about anyone but me .

fucking great really . . . fucking great .
doesn't even give me the luxury of a fucking reply .

A REPLY .

and she KNOWS I'M HURTING LIKE SHIT .
dear lord I hope she never sees this...

I'm in such fucking agony my life's just a cycle of pain now .
I should just shoot myself.

fuck... its not so bad . shooting myself that is .

its pretty quick too .

but NO . I can't lose .

I fucking won't lose her .

I've fucked everything else in my life up and I won't lose her now .

wait - jeremy you've already lost her .

FUCK .

FUCKING CUNT FUCKING FUCK .

bloody hell....

and all I want is to be with this girl I love her so deeply . . . jesus I've got no way of expressing my pain .

nothing but curses and swearing . . .

even poetry doesn't help anymore .
poetry helped when I missed her in melbourne .

now when I'm so fucking close .
yet SO GOD FORSAKENLY FUCKING FAR .

dear god....... I miss her . . . I love her so damn much it hurts so terribly every second .
carolyn I just want to be with you...

only you .

just . . . you .
its always been you.

the moment I got nice (and poor) you got up and left for the next richboy .
now you've got a chef who buys you onitsuka tigers . great . a lapdog .

-flings a chair at the wall-

I guess there's nothing I can do but pray you don't fuck his brains out one drunken night .

great .

fucking great .

don't get me wrong - I still think the best of you .
but if you could say "please fuck off" to somebody you've been with for years upon years -
only to stayover at someone's place you've been with for months .

hell .

sounds like you just substituted me with him .

I guess it hasn't been the first time.

I just thought (and still sometimes do think) you were different .

you are different and unique...

you are .

but right now you're also proving to be as unfaithful as the next one .

Your personal time capsule

2010-05-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

Dear future jeremy, wherever the hell you are, whatever you're doing - by the time you chance upon this again, it will be a long time in the future no doubt.

This is a time capsule I'm writing now , to tell you and remind you how things were back then .
Well - now .

Right now you're in singapore, and almost a year of your national service is over.
Carolyn (If you're with her now, it means things worked out, if you're not - you might never read this , or you're still single and waiting) left you last october - saying she would come back .
You found out in april she went to malaysia with harold kng jun wei - yep she never told you.

Brings back the pinch doesn't it? ;)

I hope you've lost your no-sense-of-humour . Because its pretty bad now... You're so depressed from not being with carolyn, and just losing all reason to live - that you essentially have no sense of humour. Right now you're probably shaking your head going 'god dammit' and chuckling.

Its true though - right now it feels shite . Its felt piss bad for the past few months - hell , its felt tangibly painful .

But hopefully thats all in the past now , and you're happily with carolyn.
And if you haven't done it yet, don't forget to pull the 'malaysia' thing on her.
If you don't remember, you spoke about it on mg with nick woo . his dad pulled it on him .
rememberrrr ? holiday ?

Do it if you haven't already you procrastinating slob.

I'll update this more - but for now life's cruising along , and gravity entertainment's in its infancy . I'm going in a few days to dj at some random kid's 21st - and hopefully you've gotten somewhere with that too . Better've made it big... Remember - ambition and drive .

And no fucking average .

I'll update this soon .

I wonder...

2010-05-21T23:21:00.000-07:00

if people knew why I dj-ed .

or why I did what I do . . .

I wonder if it would matter ?

because I don't give a rats ass about the free parties , free alcohol , or obvious abundance of dancing girls .

I do it because I'm a control freak , and when you're standing up there , controlling the desires , feelings and at times even emotions , of a crowd of hundreds .

Thats possibly the ultimatum of control .

You control thru enjoyment . beautiful stuff really .

-chuckles-

okay that and it DOES feel great to drop a track people love , but yeah - more so the feeling of control for me . . .

I've been doing alot of deep thinking thats all . . .
and along came with it - the reasons for my job .

its the ultimate control freak's job .

that and it keeps me busy enough to stave away thoughts of carolyn .

-sighs dramatically-

OH WELL . thats life right .

a slap in the face

2010-05-19T09:04:00.000-07:00

have you ever heard a man scream for help?

like really - truly scream for help?

its a scary sound . a cross between a yelp and a wail far too high pitched for those bassy vocal chords .

have you heard the sound of knife hacking away at flesh?

it sounds a little like a butcher chopping meat .
a little . . . but I couldn't possibly describe it .

nah. . . . thats not it .

its a little more fleshy sounding if that makes sense .

dear lord help me preserve my sanity .

I've sworn never to go back down that path and by god I won't.

I must not .

I MUST NOT .

I must have self control .
and accept . and accept and FUCKING ACCEPT .

-exhales- no .

no violence . violence changes nothing .

nothing . though by god its hard . . .

I've done everything and now -chuckles-

great . . .

fucking great all I can think of is violence . goes to show how shallow minded I am .
maybe she does deserve to be with this cunt after all .

after I give him a gaping puncture wound .

fuck that shit .

-sighs+exhales+flaps hands-

okay okay back to business . . .

geezus christ if my clients knew I had this blog... -chuckles-

OK back to it .

pfft

2010-05-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

how fucking materialistic dyou wanna get?

do I have to drive a sports car and be able to afford the world and be a gourmet chef ?

-snorts-

so much for love hey?

the first sign of some rich kid and the girl cuts and runs . . . -smirks-

oh fuckit why'm I being so bitter .
face the hard facts jeremy you fucked your life up for some dumb bitch who just left you for the next guy. you thought she was in love with you , but lord knows for sure .

now you're stuck in the military making jack shit a month , with no social life due to aforementioned chick and you can do nothing but ask her to come back .

because she's all you've fucking got .
and she's got a rich kid chef as a boyfriend who no doubt has no idea what it means to survive on instant noodles for days .

yeppp . . .

now you're a 1st class player , but you don't want to play because you want back with this girl who left you . you stupidly WANT THAT CHICK BACK?! the fuck is wrong with you!?

but thats love right...

anyway you probably fucked it up . actually - wait no . she broke her promises . so she's just pure unfaithful .

-thinking-

you could get her guy killed - but that wouldn't make her happy at you . Though you'd feel great . . . not to mention the police... so no .

like paul says , it changes your perception of the situation , not the situation . (well if you killed him , maybe it'd change the situation) . but otherwise , its just your view of it . so how you feel about it , is all inside you .

but how dyou try and feel good about wasting years on one girl? . . .
-sighs-

so what if you can game and score any girl on the face of planet earth , if you can't be with the one girl you truly love?

thats when you realise that nobody else matters . that every girl is just , common .
girls , hell , BEAUTY is common .

carolyn isn't .

she's a fuckin one and only .

limited edition run of one .

-chuckles-

I thought they were lying... All my mentors , everybody who taught me everything I know about girls , from joseph chua to david deangelo - to a certain measure has told me similar -

"Sure you like being able to get all these girls , but then there'll be this one girl that comes along, and she's gonna be your unicorn . That one girl you'll never be able to fully have , but you WANT more than anything in the world. Thats when all the other girls , the 'quantity' , fade away and turn to dust , and then you realise , its not about having 7 girlfriends at once , its about having that 1 girlfriend and keeping her yours for life. Thats the biggest problem and it could well drive you mad"

-smiles- and how stupid was I , to not see her right in front of my nose ? I guess I realised how special she was when I came back to be with her, and she was just . . . it . everything . And I was like "wow - thank god I came back to be with this girl"

and I thought paying like close to 200 bucks for 1/160 limited ed shoes was worth while .

I'd pay a life to be with her .

I'm sorry to all the other girls I've ever played , dropped hints to , or straight out lied to .

There's only one girl in my heart , and chances are the next time I get back with her (you better believe it) , it'll be for life .

And until then I'm not playing anymore .
After that I won't be playing anymore either .

because really people , she's the one .

she's kinda like childhood sweetheart, puppy love, high school crush, and one true love rolled into one.

everyone else is just noise in the background .

sorry :) I guess this guy's just not takin girls no more .

At the same time though it doesn't mean I won't help guys play girls .
-chuckles-

gotta keep the profession goin. besides, how else'm I gonna test all my other awesome ideas?

hahahah faaaarkin hell carolyn you made me so happy with that last text .
I just hope you weren't lying :)

because lying won't get me off your case .

only god can , or you waltzing back in .
in your own time.

god wanted to create the earth in 10 days,
chuck norris gave him 7.

so what would you have me do?

2010-05-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

if you were in one place , for no reason other than to be with someone .

and you gave up your life for that someone .

and that someone walked out on you .

what would you do ? . . .

try to win that someone back ?

walk away ?

losing isn't in my nature .
and I'll be damned if I walk away .

another day at work.

2010-05-01T22:23:00.000-07:00

When I found out I had cake in my headphones ,
I got a little cut so I was like 'damnit' and hit the desk .

it nudged the laptop cuz I pulled the headphones somehow ,
and the music STOPPED
and I was like "OO"

the crowd was like "ohhhh go home lo"

and I'm like T_T .

then james kicked in whine it up on his side and it was good :)

I love my job.

oh jon...

2010-04-28T09:04:00.000-07:00

I've known him since primary school...

I guess I could've tried to stop him but... sigh .

well he's engaged - and he's getting married next month with a kid due at the end of the year .

yepppp . . .

while I don't envy him about the kid and the marriage - my heart aches when I think about engagement .

fuck . . .

that fucking whore .
I gave my life in australia for her .
only to have her leave me for some singaporean piece of shit .

and she told me we'd get engaged in 2012... and she'd stay with me forever .
through everything , and I fought to get her back so badly . but she told me she was-

nevermind .

I don't know what to feel anymore .

I love her so much . but she's caused me such agony my heart's numb

oh bugger it all .

I know I'll just end up being the fool that waits .
I've already given my life for her . yeah go ahead and call me a dipshit .
I call myself worse things .

and yet I still inexorably love her .

there is something . about her . I can't even write here .

but to me , she's the most attractive girl in the whole wide world .

and I'll do anything to get her back .
the only thing stopping me from destroying her current guy is the knowledge that it'd probably turn her away from me .

though its getting really fukn hard not to .

2010-04-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest now,
he takes off her dress now,
lett me go

And I just can't look its killing me
And taking control

of suicide and poetry

2010-04-22T08:53:00.001-07:00

the boys in camp jokingly tell me not to shoot myself on their shifts .

but I know they actually think I will.

I actually think I will.

Most times I keep my rounds with my buddy . I know its major assrape if I get found out .

but fuck it . lord knows I'd rather be regretting not shooting myself , than dead .

I don't know if she knows , or if she gives a damn .

but she was the only thing in my life .

is the only thing in my life .

my whole world , my whole reason for living . nothing's more important to me than carolyn .

and now . . . its just falling apart .
everything is falling apart .

my world comes in shades of grey , I really don't care anymore .
things that I used to find funny , are not .

I don't laugh anymore . I barely smile .
my only smiles are sarcastic or sad .

and I cry like bob's your uncle .

dammit carolyn I know you probably don't give enough of a fuck .
all hung up with that perfect turd shit that you've hooked up with .

but I'm serious with you . you're the end of the line for me .
the last one . the one worth living and dying for .

its you .

the one worth being with till 2070 do us apart .

-sigh-

I know I was never good with the lovey dovey shit .
but god damn I try my best . . .

I know those white bands might've seemed like jack shit . but they meant something to me .
they meant that you and I were bigger than life itself , that we were above the bullshit , above the tomfoolery and stupidity that is this world . that we were to be together , until the mythical 'forever'

now I just hope you don't get banged by another guy .
how sad is that?

every day I contemplate suicide .

every single damn day .

I go to the gym and take it out on the weights , I take it out on the walls ,
but my heart's still in the blender .

and its never coming out .

how would you feel if the girl who promised to marry you , told you she was leaving you to study . you accepted it because - lets face it - she was busy , she had her own thing going on .

and so you let her be . have fun with her friends n' all that . she still says she loves you , and so on . she just says 'not yet' 'lets not be together just yet'

and one day you find out she's together with her ex . in the worst kind of way .
and instead of even giving a damn , she tells you she can't change her feelings just because 'you can't get over me'

so how was the guy supposed to know this girl would just run off ? . . . and just - get with another guy ?

dishonour her promise to get engaged in 2012 , dishonour her words of being together forever . . . I mean sure we might be a LITTLE young for this , but it doesn't mean its any less serious .

And I took her seriously . I trusted her , thought the best of her , and didn't move a muscle to work anything out .

When I did , it was already too late .

And now I'm struggling to regain the love , and life , I've lost .

I don't know how much longer I can go on . She won't even answer my calls anymore . . .
She says she's going to stay over at his house tomorrow . when I'm in camp .

lord help me be strong .

actually fuck that he's never helped me with jack shit .

carolyn I don't want to ask you to read this . but if I do , I just want you to know how much pain I'm going through . its insurmountable .

I can't even describe it .
I've never been one for jokes , but now they fail me completely.

that night , when you sent me the message with just the word "same (:"

I felt so relieved . I smiled and laughed and whooped like a madman at 11 at night .

I knew it was too good to be true . . .

please , if you will , find whatever small , little part of you that knows , that knows , that knows , that your soul is bound to mine - somehow . and please use that to come back to me .
my life strings are bound to your heart and love, and now a slither of sinue remains .

I can't live without you, and I want us to fulfill our promises to each other . engaged in 2012 , hot air balloons and 2070 .

I chose 2 years back to live my life with you , and nobody else .

and I stay true to that choice , because I'm sick of re-falling in love .
I don't know how you aren't . but I'm sick of it .

I'll just stay in love with you till the moment my heart stops beating .

I know at last , you were like 'what closed doors fuck this'

well you remember this . I actually hoped when this was our song , somehow , I'd never have to use it like this .

"And I don't really wanna know
So don't tell me anymore
And i really don't wanna hear
About her feet all up in the air

And well, I'm not the one who acted like a ho
Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time
So spare me the details, if you don't mind

Now I don't need to hear about the sounds they were making
And I don't need to hear about how long it was taking
Or how the walls, they were shaking

Now I'm lying in bed, wallowing in sorrow
Missing the tomorrow that we could have had
Running through my head, over and over
Things I never told her now just make me sad
And it drives me insane, sitting with a vision
Stuck with that image burned into my brain
And I feel so dumb that I could ever trust her
While someone else fucked her, then walked away"

thats what I meant .

yeah you always say 'no it won't' until its too late .
you sure did about this guy... "no I won't get together with anybody" "promise?" "ok"

now I'm sitting here with a heart that's barely beating.

if you climb in bed with him...

I can't live with that .

if it really comes down to it -

I swear on my life that I'll shoot myself .

2010-04-22T06:30:00.000-07:00

thanks for giving him the chance I never had :/

we never had .

every moment of my every day is spent with you on my mind .
you've always been the one and only thing I could've ever considered to be truly perfect in my life .

and now you're not with me .

and I'm torn .

but I can never give in because you're my life , and my world .

I'm just a dj, you're my world.

2010-04-19T09:14:00.000-07:00

everything.

you.

thats it.

2010-04-16T18:11:00.000-07:00

my knuckles, bruised and bleeding,
are the only evidence of the struggle within me that happened last night.

I can barely type properly - but its the least of my worries.

my whole life is falling apart.

everything I thought was true, I've found - was not .

and in this fucking maelstrom of uncertainty and doubt,
I only wish I just had you by my side, telling me everything'll be ok.

but you're not . you're a million miles away from here, and I'm yearning for your heart that's my home.

I always have.

just doesn't get it

2010-04-16T08:08:00.001-07:00

'but three hours later, and seven shots of jaeger, she was in the bedroom with another guy'

my finger's hovering over the metaphorical red button .

she has no clue -

and dear god please grant me the strength to not resort to idiocy.

and its the truth.

2010-04-04T06:11:00.000-07:00

"Son, someday you will make a girl very happy, for a short period of time. Then she'll leave you and be with new men who are ten times better than you could ever hope to be. These men are called DJs."

Twin Stereo

2010-04-03T22:51:00.000-07:00

On a seperate note , its time to see if my band can jam without tearing each other to bits and pieces .

Twin stereo huh... -chuckles-

I guess there's always time in life to try something new.

thats it.

2010-04-01T09:16:00.001-07:00

I don't care if I have to put my entire life on hold.

And by god I will if I have to.

I will destroy you.
I will methodically break apart the foundations that hold your reality together, and crumble them, and you, to nothingness.

Such is life.

hah . a return to normality?

more like a return to a lie.

My life still sucks the cock

2010-03-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

so whats new ?

nothing!

actually thats not true . . . events are coming in slowly , I now manage a band, and I could be rolling in more girls than I care for .

but god dammit carolyn still manages to paralyze my life.

Nothing's worth doing or living without her.
I've contemplated suicide to the point of telling anupam not to stop me hahaha .

geezus christ right?

oh wello... thats life I guess.

fucking whore though . I normally don't trust alotta my sources . . .
but when I found out it was true - and she actually told him she loved him .

fuuucking hell .

what would YOU do if the girl who meant everything , and I mean the world to you , promised she was leaving you to focus on her studies for awhile , and that she'd get back together with you - told another guy she loved him , told you she 'might not' get back together with you and generally treated you dismissively.

Yes I COULD just find another girl - but like I said , 'meant everything' . still means everything .
I actually want to marry this chick . well... I don't know about NOW . I mean if she can't stay faithful for a year , how's she gunna stay faithful for life right? But its all dependant I guess .

what would you do?

I can only blog about it . I can't even talk to anyone about this . Because of who I am to all the boys . Even james . To them I'm the guy who believes any guy can get any girl within reason - that all girls are the same and there are no exceptions . That every girl can be broken down to a decimal. . .

Its true for the most part . Most girls in this country are robotic automatons for the majority. There are biologically hard-wired buttons in any girl, and pressing the buttons in a sequence will generate attraction no matter what . . . .

sigh . but I don't want to generate attraction in someone who means everything to me .

I can't talk to anybody . . No shit . These boys rely on me for motivation , for help and all that jazz... Am I to tell them I'm hung up over that one girl ?

-chuckles- its so ironic . I can be living the life and yet be so depressed about it.

Carolyn you dumb bitch I want you back so badly .
Can you please come back? I've already told you we can come to compromises to make this work - and realistically its just whether you want to .

Also stop telling other guys you love them . It really really cheapens the word love for you. As a matter of fact, I wonder if it means anything to you anymore!

I've spent every damn day of the past 6-7 months feeling like god shat on me from up on high .
And all I've wanted is to be with you . Its not much to ask at all!

Also I wasn't joking when I said I'll do whatever it takes to have you be with me .

you just have to tell me what... and don't tell me not to doubt you.

I'm beyond that.

The reason why some days I can't be nice , is because you dismiss me.
Its like I'm an irritant to you and thats it . You can just say "ttyl" to me as a reply .
Thats how you reply to an irritant - not a human being . . .

how do you expect a nice composed response to that?
It takes all my effort to put my emotions out of the picture ordinarily - and you don't acknowledge it and carry on treating me like an irritant .

sure you might say you love me , but now it begs question , how many other guys do you say that to?

you know how to solve this whole shenanigan - just come back , be with me , and at least that way I know you won't end up screwing some random gimp . which could well happen and will extract an extreme response from me.

You see its just my paranoia . Its pretty reasonable paranoia too . So before I hire a bunch of goons to follow you 24/7 and beat up any guy you have contact with , just be with me?

It'll save us both a whole lotta agony. Oh and , think of me for once will you?

Its a NEW YEAR! oh wait... like any other.

2010-03-14T06:04:00.000-07:00

There's nothing to talk about!

I waste my life away in the service of the nation.

Don't get me wrong, I love the army.
I just wish we would go to war and stop playacting.

Most days if I feel a rush it never lasts.
My life's had all the adrenaline sapped out of it and then some.

Nowadays I just devote my time to helping my guys get girls.

Yeah if you know me well; you know my belief system.
Any guy can get any girl within reason.

I wish I could proclaim more, but to do so would be putting myself on a line I'm not willing to walk.

And so nowadays I help guys get girls.
Whether it be in the club or at their taoist education class.
Body language, attraction, and appropriate communication are what I force feed the hopeless males of today so they get a chance at love.

Its a pity we guys must pretend to be people we aren't in order to attract girls.
Yes you may say "NO. Some day that perfect girl will come along and she'll fall in love with me for who I am and will stay with me forever for that very reason". . .

-chuckles-

I won't delve into this, but if I had a dollar for every guy who's told me that....
I'd be able to comfortably afford a night of drunken revelry in town and spare change.

My blog's a blog. Its not a seminar.

But life's rolling along okay asides from that.
I'm still trying to get back my ex. Who by the way knows about all of the above (for the most part at least - probably part of the reason why she still hasn't come back)

DJing is picking up some, though my ns schedule basically assures that I don't get much time off. . . .Nothing much else is happening in my life.

I guess this really DOES happen when you're in the army!
Its taking all I've got to keep from slipping into the sense of dull obedience that permeates the armed forces.

When I put on my uniform, I step into the shoes of another man.
But when I come home and face these four walls, I still long for the love and life I once had.

5 Star Chick

2010-01-11T09:24:00.000-08:00

God dammit .

I can't let go of her .

Even psuedo-abusive blog posts won't do the trick .

GRRRKPAMPGOJSIFJASIDFSMSDFFUCK .

She's the love of my life yknow?

You can't get rid of that by drowning yourself in alcohol , or listening to your friends telling you to move on .

or anything!

just . . .doesn't . . . work .

I should know by now .

sigh .
and she accuses ME of being lord-knows-what . what was that again . . .
wanting to move on , and never see her again or some shit .

jeezus christ woman YOU asked for the breakup .
I SUFFERED through 3 months of trying to get you back .
and the moment I stopped giving you attention , you start giving me this shite .
Lord knows YOU wanted this! The freedom , the do-whatever-you-want thing .
The be-free-to-study thing. YOU asked for it . I tried to have you back .
WITH FINALITY .

you refused .

and so I stopped! and I'm just going to patiently, peacefully wait for you to come back.

BUT NO . You HAD to come and trod all over my peace by telling me you're sad , crying , and whatever have you . And yet you won't come back .

Then HOW on earth can I do anything !?
You won't answer my calls . Won't listen to me begging you to come back, and won't listen to me when I tell you to please end my agony .

THEN WHAT? I just want you back!

You seem to want me back too !

THEN LETS GET BACK TOGETHER!

if not - lets NOT and live without me until you decide to waltz back in!

(Anyone who doesn't know whats goin on by this point, best not bother)

Don't keep giving me mixed signals . Telling me you love and miss me , and feel sad without me, and yet refuse to be with me!

Sure I'm always here caring for you , and being here for you .
But you're asking for care without giving love.

You can abusively tell me you don't have to report to me, that you don't have to tell me things because we aren't together , and so on and so forth .

and yet you now can abusively tell me that I don't seem to care and that I should tell you if I "want to move on" .

THE HELL?!

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

HELLOOO?

But dammit if you say you're coming back , then you're coming back! just focus on your studies or whatever have you!

Don't rail on at me about how I don't seem to care! You're leading your own life like I'm leading mine!

I wanted our lives to be together . but I'd say you've refused me about 60-70 odd times now .

AND THATS ALOTTA TIMES TO GET REJECTED.

but at the end of the day , you're still a 5 star chick .

There's nobody out there like you , and you're still my girl (to me in my heart and dreams)
and I still love you like nobody's business and you're still my future . (in my heart and dreams)
I trust you to come back and I know you aren't lying.

BUT GOD DAMMIT LET ME LIVE A LITTLE UNTIL THEN.

Carolyn I love you .
Please stop putting me thru this agony - and let me live for awhile okay?
I promise you I'll drop everything and come back to you.

If you want me to live the life you want me to, just come back to me.
My door's always open and I'll always be waiting for you to come back and fill this hole in my heart.

cuz you the 5 star chick .

Reprimanding.

2009-12-28T19:01:00.000-08:00

Hahahah jeremy you dipshit goddamit it why did you commit.

See this is why I used to play girls and not give a flying fart.

Because long term relationships are panned out fairytales.
There I go putting my heart and LIFE on the line for one girl .

JUST ONE .

and she goes and breaks it .

fuckin fan-tas-fuckin-tic

this is why you don't commit.
because shit like this doesn't pan out.

no matter how good it seems to be goin , at any point in time , she can just walk away , leaving your ass open , exposed , and out in the cold .

mother-fucker .

Its gonna be a long time before I trust any punk ass bitch to enter my life for real.

Why didn't I listen to the boys .

Silly me :)

and FUCK YOU BITCH . One godforsaken time I decide to trust a fuckin chick and it somehow had to be you . 2 fuckin years , and I gave up my LIFE for you . geezus what was I thinking .

And you're off gallavanting with some singaporean piece of shit.

Never again . I swear never again .

story of my life

2009-12-05T04:32:00.000-08:00

Hey there random net stumblers .

I haven't updated in months , at first because I never had to (because the same shit was goin on)

and nowadays because I've got no heart to (because my life's seeming pretty meaningless right now)

So lets put it in a nutshell .

Back in june I entered Basic Military Training in the army .

I got posted to the 2nd People's Defense Force...
then found myself dumped into the air force as a member of the APGCommand .

and thats where my life story ends .

Story of my life huh?

In between all this ruckus I was doing my best to build up a strong relationship .
and I thought I had it - until the love of my life walked out on me . saying she had 'no time'

imagine that! we'd been together for just over 2 years . . . I thought it was perfect .
or at least . . .as perfect as most relationships ever get .

and she left me . funny how the cookie crumbles . she says she's coming back . she thinks .

and every godforsaken morning I wake up thinking of her , every night my heart's stabbed with thoughts of her . I lie in bed and miss her warmth beside me . I've barely been able to sit through a movie in a cinema because I can't sit still without my arm around her .

Yeah life's got a way of giving it to ya . . . we even talked about getting engaged and moving away after her studies and my army . I meant every word I said about leaving and living with her . But judging by where she is now and what she's doing, I guess she wasn't too serious after all.

lord knows I miss her . its been close to 3 months to the day she left me .
she seems to be doing just fine . doesn't even seem to miss me or care about how I feel .

and yet I can't shake her image in my vision . everywhere I go I think of her .
and oh how I miss her so .

but every time I ask her to come back , she tells me 'not yet' . while she's out gallivanting with lord knows who doing who knows what... tells me not to think too much , when all I can think of is her - not being with me , but instead being with somebody else . It kills . It makes ME feel like killing -exhales- and all I ever wanted was to be with her forever . Its not a tall call right?

she'll probably never read this either .

she probably doesn't care enough .

neither did you probably -chuckles-

I never used to be such a melancholic person .
But now my life here feels like an empty shell of what it was before she left me.

Every breath I take is cold and hollow , and my stomach is always in a knot .
I know if I could speak to myself it would be a verbal abuse session . . .

but how would you feel ?
if somebody promised to love you and stay with you forever .
and you treated that one person like your family . truly loved the person like you'd stay together forever.

and that one person left you saying there was no reason
and tells you of thoughts of going to culinary school in another guy's dad's car .

spends late nights out and all .
and yet says she loves you and will come back . maybe .

what then? -sighs-

Anyway moving on -

my parents are the usual . on the brink of divorce .
welcome to the modern nuclear family I guess huh .

I gave up my social life before the army for my job and my girl, and ever since I've joined the army its been a solid case of - too little, too late .

My life right now , would be the perfect case study of the guy who's life is left in a wreck because of blindly, utterly completely loving someone, who left him for nuts anyway .

story of my life.

I'm still alive .

2009-07-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

Shouts out hahah !

I'm still very much alive and in the army .
Much more mature a kid too I guess - since I'm dealing with guys 2-3 years older than me at least .

I just pulled out my very first reggaeton(sp?) cd today . It was given to me out the boot of this spanish guy's car . No shit . It was at street science ; about two years ago now . He was like "nah have it man I've listened to that cd to the death" . And he knew everything about spanish culture - he even knew all about MS13 . Go google it if you wanna know more .

And its just this plain white cd with "Reggaeton" on it and that night I remember going home . Putting it in the laptop and instantly loving it from track 1 to 21 .

I never saw him again too . Probably never will now that I'm in singapore .
But he's had the biggest impact on my music taste . I love spanish rap ; reggaeton , even some of the slower spanish stuff . Hell from there I branched into aussie hip hop and started recording tracks with Vanguard and the boys . God damn guy started me off .

Anyway I still have the cd . its in my laptop playing right now . and I'm just reminiscising . Its like I'm back in melbourne in front of this very same computer in front of this very same blog screen . Just that my relationship's stable now , my life's taken a turn for the better , but I still love hip hop and I've still got gasoline in my veins .

I used to be so lonely . I guess some of it has carried over to singapore ; like everytime I cuddle with my girlfriend I just feel like I'm making up for the past year that I was away . and every day I hold her hand it feels like I'm making up another day .

Lord knows I don't know when I'm going to start living in the present .

ANYWAY at least I'm alive and this blog now has a new post . I'm out .

Be well :)

the DPRK ey

2009-04-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

''Nobody was trusting of the North Koreans. I mean, who trusts the North Koreans? You'd have to be an idiot to trust the North Koreans,'' she said in the appearance at the Council of Foreign Relations think tank, prompting laughter.

Thats what Condoleezza Rice said about the N. Koreans back in 08 .
and I personally don't disagree .

personally .

I mean seriously ; which mature ; level headed government would simply go out against the international community ; flippin the bird to the United Nations etc .

These guys're askin for what they're gonna get .

Kickin those nuclear testing guys outta the country I mean SERIOUSLY .

At least if you're gonna do that ; don't make it PUBLIC that you're RESTARTING YOUR NUCLEAR PROGRAMME . Atomic ; or nuclear I don't remember .

But god damn how "SCREW YOU ALL ! I'M THE KID IN THE CORNER" do you wanna get?

Home is where the heart is - right?

2009-04-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

There're many many fucking days .

(yeah this is a major rant post)

that I wish I had a real home to come home to .

Maybe 2 parents to squabble with ; one or two relatives coming over now n' then to disturb my peace . A car in the garage I can take for a drive when I feel lonely . A job where I can actually trust my colleagues not to stab me in the back and my boss not to sack me ; where I feel comfortable and can talk to guys about their relationships without any emotional barriers.

I've got four bare walls and an indian tenant to welcome me when I get home .
Living from hand to mouth and barely keeping things together .

Awesome fucking life this is .

Sure living alone has its perks ; but hell I'd rather not live alone unless I've got a partner who can move in with me . Moving countries because of crime ; moving back for the same reason .

fuck . don't I ever learn - or do I just really not fit the mould that badly .
I mean ; a one-off could be just a 'bad decision' I could just be a 'good kid' .
my whole life up till sec 2 I was always playing by the rules - and then I changed .
now I don't know if I'm the good guy or the bad guy anymore .

I just know I don't know who I really am .

I wish I hadn't been arrested ; wish I've never seen the insides of all those interrogation rooms ; wish I'd lived the life my parents wanted me to. Studied; gone to jc ; come out with a decent score on my O n' A lvls - I don't know how everyone else does it .

I just don't .

And yet nobody seems real to me except my guys ; my girl and the people close to me .
All those people studying in the library , those hawkers serving food , people working at the mac even when they're 40 .

They just don't seem real . I know they well are - and where they are is a direct result of what they've done in life . I just don't want to end up there .

I've already fucked up enough .
It'd better not have just been for the sole purpose of ending up another mediocre individual stuck in a mediocre job.

I wish I could go back to school ; but like paul I don't think I can financially .
bloody oath .

I sometimes wish my parents were dead ; then I'd have a reason for living apart from them .
Having no family to lean on sucks balls . Sure I've got an aunt and uncle but they aren't real family somehow .
My parents were always there - even with big or small decisions . always nagging the fuck outta me to do my best - even when they knew all I cared about was making money at work .

Having to go home every fucking day - for 3 months straight now - no family no nothing .
those ns fucks can't even bear 2 weeks of confinement without needing to have a family dinner at the end of it . well fuck you - I may be a free man but I'm still confined from my family by 5000 fucking miles .

thats why it makes me sick that all these dipshits have to spend their last weekends before their bookins with their parents . fuck you all you weak fucks . enjoy your perfect nuclear family . I have to grit my teeth and pay my damn bills ; and work or I don't eat . I've driven 2 cars and I've held 7 jobs now I think . Been arrested three times ; seen the insides of 4 police stations as a criminal and all this other bullshit . I can break into and start a car with a household scissors and a screwdriver . I mean HELLOO ? I'm 18 ?! I'm meant to have gone to jc ; done well on GP ; flunked chem and come out with maybe a 65 or 70 ? Out now living with my parents going out with my friends waiting for ns .

Not hoping I didn't get lumped into some criminal intake for my 3 month prison sentence in australia ; not working a goddamn job with an incompetent boss .

what the hell about me is it that god decided to go "HMMMMM LETS SEE........ OK! I'LL FUCK HIS LIFE UP" ha ?

So go on - think whatever the hell you want about this blog post .
Whether you think I'm arrogant ; selfish ; whatever it is you might use to describe me from this post . I'm just wishing my life wasn't so messed . I wish I could be BORING and NORMAL and just oblivious . I wish I hadn't taken the red (or blue) pill ; and I'd taken the one that gave me ignorance - but a comfy normal life .

I wish I could fucking be in poly right now ; playing DOTA every other day ; having to worry about nothing . Have a relationship without all that long distance bullshit . Yeah fat chance .

And every damn day I continue leading my current lifestyle ; I see what little remaining potential for my desired (boring fucking mundane normal singaporean) lifestyle fading away .
day by day spent working the fucking grind ; coming home and spending late nights doing shit all . its just all a hi-bye thing with everybody and I'm just seeing my life fuckin going downnnnnn the drain .

yeahhh it isn't all doom n' gloom .
but it sure as FUCK ain't rainbows n' butterflies .

to all of yous' with perfect normal boring lives ; enjoy it .
Treasure that shit .

Seriously.
Treasure the fucking norm ; because it can be pretty shit living on the wrong side of "different"

but I love you ! what other girlfriend !?!

2009-03-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

I settled down because I wanted a stable relationship.
Where both parties were secure and willing to make compromises for each other.

I've kept up my end of the scales and I know you're trying ;
but can't you accept that I'm going to stay with you ? :S

Every day ; literally every day you drop some line about me being out with some other girl .
When all I've been doing is WORKING just to pay the bills and to go out with you .

I mean; yes I may not have the best job on earth, but I'm o-k with it because its not a very fixed desk job.

I'm not leaving you hon ; and I don't know why you can't come to grips with it or something .

I love you ; and I always have and will .

but you're stabbing yourself in the foot here .
you get paranoid over nothing!
I can't even change my phone's profile to silent without you asking me which girlfriend it is .

Ah well .

you're special to me darlin .
I don't know how special I am to you ;
as a matter of fact I almost think I'm not the one you think about before you sleep .

hell ; enough people have said enough names in front of me for me to ask myself questions .

I know I don't send you those long lovey dovey emails anymore .
nor do I have much energy for long texts .
but dammit I do love you the same ; and I try to show it by spending as much time as possible with you; even if I'm tired to the bone .

but that sometimes ends up with us quarrelling ; or me somehow pissing you off ;
I miss my happy nights with you . nowadays I'm just in a constant state of "Tired" from work .

I'm just worn down because of my incompetent boss and the ridiculous shite I have to deal with ; and therefore impose on you .

We still have one or two happy nights . but lord knows not enough .

Anyway I love you .
I'll probably delete this blogpost and just email it to you .

but yeah . i'm not going to cheat on you !
how hard is that ?

Keep the S because I'm an AINT

2009-03-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

Massieh had this as his msn nick .
Funny cos we used to buy and sell phones like nobody's business lol .

"Ironic how we adore the ones who ignore us, ignore the ones who adore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones that love us."

gaw damn that guy has grown up .
and he's still a full year younger than me .

gaw-damn hahahah .

anyway life's rollin along alright . I painted my desk black and I think I'm high off paint fumes .

Eh; whats new ;)

squabblesquabblesquabble

2009-03-12T07:35:00.000-07:00

for the love of god !

You told me you were a smoker 3 weeks after you started ;

I told you I took a few puffs of shisha to see what all the hoo-ha was about 3 days after I did .

And I took your smoking as it was , and I accepted it .

You took my shisha , blew it up into a huge fucking issue of trust , claiming you can now no longer trust me and you have the right to be paranoid about me not cheating on you ;

BECAUSE I TOOK A FEW PUFFS OF SHISHA ?!

seriously . I mean ; seriously .

what .

I wouldn'tve minded if you got ticked and got over it a little later ;

but fark .

you reacted as if I'd cheated on you .

which I would like to remind you I HAVE NOT .

and will not .

but shiet .

I don't plan on ever doing it again , and I HONESTLY don't see the point of shisha .
bar it being a bigger waste of money than playing LAN games .

I just don't want any arguments .
The whole reason why I told you was because I thought we could both be open with each other honey .
You tell me if you smoke ; so I tell you if I do shisha etc etc .
you tell me you won't give me head and I tell you I want to eat you out etc etc .

I mean seriously !

Thats all I want out of the relationship :/
the ability to openly communicate without world war 3 , 4 , 5 and 6 happening .

worst of all , you don't believe in talking things over .

if we don't talk things over , how are we going to deal with problems ?!

Blasphemy!

2009-03-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

ITS ABSOLUTE BLASPHEMY I TELL YOU !

wait.... what'm I talking about again . . .

oh anyway ;

life's rolling along just fine .
The entry of a new entity into my company has caused me great displeasure;
the departure of two entities has caused me great-er displeasure;
and the lack of payment due to the departure of the two entities and the entry of the new entity is killing me .

So . . . all is NOT really fine but its still sort-of fine .

if you get my drift .

I'm surviving . (:

Now blame me if I'm wrong .
But individuals in ns , in the fuckin jungle - should make use of what precious time they have to contact their partners if they have one , and close friends if they lack partners .

but why call a close friend when you have a partner , if your close friend happens to be with her partner ?! I mean c'mon you're out in a fuckin jungle ffs . call your bloomin girlfriend and lay off mine .

shiet .

unless you care more about my chick than yours .
in which case something's very wrong with your r'ship .

my chick isn't too much better either ; by uh . . . whats it called . . .

entertaining him .

in front of me . (I know you're gonna read this and probably crack a spaz hon' but please try and take it easy . I'm just havin a good ol' rant)

without even askin him about his chick I mean srsly hahah .

whaaat the heck .

but anyhoo -

work's kept me pretty busy lately - abit too busy for my girl's liking ;
but really thats the way it is .

james is kinda ticked that he's gonna be in NS .
I don't blame him all that much .
I'd probably be spouting the same shit if I was in his position .

I peeped this live n' loaded contestant's track .
his name's shiggashay n' his track is . . . uh . . .
I don't remember .

but maybe I just can't appreciate it ; but it sucked massive black dick .

YES YES I know its the singapore music scene blah blah support it blah blah nurture talent blah blah but fark talk about unintelligent lyrics .

just peep the track . its on youtube .

and maybe ; I dunno . compare it with some other underground hiphop track .

its just whack .

I haven't been getting out much since I've been back .
alex asked me t' hit the clubs with him n' some guys this sunday but fark .

its ww3 if I go .

so I might pass on that . dammit I have no idea whats going on tomorrow .

ah well ; thats working for my boss for ya .

laters' yall

Rabblerabblerabble

2009-03-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

James is going into NS on the 12th hahah . shiet . . .

We're gonna go out with the boys on monday night and we're all gonna try n' get him officially wasted .

Not too bad an idea I guess .

Thank goodness my chick didn't kick up a fuss .

Thanks darlin . (;

but yehhh . . . life's just rollin along as per normal .

I'm on the verge of starting my own damn company . x)

So I was just on the apple website , figuring out what was THE MOST expensive mac you could possibly get your hands on . (Hey, dreams are free right?)

$17,897.00 USD gets you,

2X 2.93Ghz Quad Core Intel Xenon (Thats 8 cores. the average computer has 1 or 2)

32GB of 1GHZ DDR3 RAM

A Mac Pro RAID Card

4TBs of storage space at 3GB/s

4X Nvidia GT Pro 120 512MB gfx cards

2X Superdrives (CD/DVD-r)

2X 30" Flat Panel Cinema Displays

And WiFi

In a Mac Pro .

2 30" Flat Panel Displays . now thats kick ass .

17k's pretty kickass too :X

I could get a fully worked 180sx for that price . . . .

ah well as I said ,

dreams are free .

unlike the bills .

Slinky and Stinky

2009-03-03T08:31:00.000-08:00

Its called cashflow .

Money goes out , but comes in . Generally in a larger quantity than it leaves .

IN MY CASE HOWEVER .

money is going out , and not coming in quickly enough/in large enough quantities .

gawd I am a broke-ass nigga .

I guess its just cos I've got more things to do now - bills to pay ; places to go ; a girlfriend to entertain

that money just goes quicker .
Back in melbourne I had time to roll cash .

Buy a cheap ipod and sell it for 20 more or so. . .
And I got to play with all these gadgets , while not losing all that much cash .

Maybe 30-40 a month ?
And I had an unreasonable amount of phones , weapons , and paraphernalia .

Now I come up dry at the end of the month, with 150 in bills to pay and another month looming .

I'd be TOTALLY FINE if I was getting paid more BUT I AIN'T !
I mean shit . . . I've got bills to pay .

ah well . . . I guess I've gotten my warm welcome to the real world .

I love my girlfriend very much .
but shit's just so hard nowadays . I've got things to remember all over the place and I just forget about her sometimes . Not in the sense that she's not there , just like , the tiny important details that make up a relationship y'know ?

not enough time t' meet up n' shit . . .
and she reckons I'm cheating on her .

I mean fockin' hell . If I work 7 hours a day I'm bloody workin 7 hours of the day .
I'm not cheating on you 7 hours of the day with some other girl .

Where d'you think my cash comes from !?
Besides she's seen me doin gigs n' shit . I mean COME ON .

Anyway in the past 3 days I've watched

The Punisher
RocknRolla
Madagascar 2
Tenacious D and the Pick Of Destiny
He's Just Not That Into You

A fair effort if I may say so myself .

considering 2 of those 3 days were work days (;

Rocknrolla was pretty badass .
The other movies were pretty 'meh'

I would like to take a few moments to present a large 'fuck you' to individuals in general ,
who cannot grasp simple concepts like common sense, and being a gimp .

with all that shit done and dusted ,

I'm slinking back to my hole in the sand .

Later'

2009-02-26T07:54:00.000-08:00

This life turned out nothing like I had planned, (why not?)
By now I should’ve had some land,
Some money in my hand, round about fifty grand,
But I got nothing (nothin), I write rhymes on the bus,
I keep suffering (sufferin); fuck the lines of the dust,

Misconceptions and different perceptions

2009-01-26T11:04:00.001-08:00

The bottom line:If you turn 20 pounds of steel into a boat anchor, you can sell it for $20. If you turn the same steel into surgical needles, you can sell them for $20,000.

I found that statement too true to ignore .

You've got to get what you have , refine it and make the best of it .
Not just shoddily slap together what you think 'should work ok' and try and run with it .

Rome wasn't built in a day and lord knows neither were successful people .

I guess I've got alot of building and polishing to do .

First conference.

2009-01-15T10:56:00.000-08:00

I got home from the conference about 3 hours ago now .

but god damn . . .

I thought it was more of an informal meeting than anything .
but nooo . . .

it was a full on conference .

with those leather backed chairs , a huge oval table and people sitting around with mics on their desks . with a printout of the slides we made .

yepppp . . .

I was shaking after I sat down from my part of my presentation .
Not bad for a first time says jay .

god . . . I could get used to this job .
Except carolyn's cracking a spaz over the schedules .
I don't blame her - but I wish she'd just understand its a job .
not one that I'm necessarily wanting to work .

but its anytime better than cold storage .
besides, I can actually go somewhere in this industry .

also , nobody has this address .
so if you're some poor sod reading this . . . mmmh .

well . mmh .

if you like prying into my life , be my guest .

but today was whack .
I need to up my game massively .

Setting up an individual existence

2009-01-10T09:35:00.000-08:00

I've got my own house phone line , settling my own power bills , and got my own internet .

Geez money sure does go in this country .

My job's taking up most of my time .
So if I neglect to meet you, don't hold it against me.

I'm just trying to get stable . I promise I'll catch up with all of yous' in time .
Besides , its been 3 years . Whats another month or so if it means I don't go flat out broke?

Some things've changed , and yet I still feel as if I'm very much a part of this country .
Its like , I know the walls far better than those of melbourne .
I would've loved to call melbourne home - but then I'd be lying to myself .

Singapore's a shit place to live if you're stuck in the middle class, and the only way to make it anywhere is to come out on top .

I guess I know what I have to do ...

And crime .
For the past 10 years my life has revolved largely around crime .
Perhaps less so in my younger years - but in the last 6 years it has become a way of life for me .
Ingrained into my psyche almost .

Every time I walk into a store I'm casing out store attendants and looking out for cameras .

I don't want this anymore .
I want to get big enough that all this shit becomes insignificant .
And I'll work my arse off to get there if it means breaking out of this lifestyle .

I haven't stolen anything for over 40 days now.
And I refuse to - unless the end outweighs the means .

-chuckles-

this country... all the memories .
Every store I go into that we used to do .
the memories come back .

its crazy nostalgia .

I guess I shouldn't look to the past so much though .
its probably bad for my psyche . -.-

Some days I wish I'd never gone to melbourne .

scratch that .

MANY days .

I feel so disconnected and out of the loop now .
and I have no real urge or desire to reconnect with society on the whole .

-exhales-

I'm slowing up already ?!
hahahahah my god I should clobber myself on the head .

peace y'all

A return to a life kept in a box

2009-01-06T11:09:00.000-08:00

I'm back, with no time limit, no time constraints or restrictions this time.

I don't believe it.

I could stay here for the rest of my life if I wanted.
(But I don't really. Not past 5 years or so at least)

I got back to singapore on the 9th of december.
Its crazy I tell ya .
Strolling thru the arrival hall .

I felt like a seasoned flyer - what with all those up-and-down trips shuttling between melbourne and singapore.

Finally I'm back for real - dredging up a past that I sometimes would rather have left behind.

Still, its necessary to face one's past demons to progress - no ?

All the connections I've let slide, I have to rebuild.
Friends I've neglected to talk to, I now strive to forge a fresh start with.
And a love I've left alone for far too long, I now can't bear to part with . :)

On a different note, I've landed myself a job.
I'm now a (something or other) in ICube Projects , an events management company.

Its not as flash as the clubbing scene, but it offers a good paycheck.
So hell, why not ? :)

I enjoy it... Even though I have some reservations about the company.

Anyway I'm letting this post slide here.
I need more creative inspiration . COME MY WAY !

laters' y'all . ;)