Its so nice to have dual blogs . . . I can talk about everything and anything here.

So dig this alright - I have NO idea how I'm not in a lockup.

I mean - what DO you do when you find out your life's calling is to be a criminal hey?

-laughing-

ahhh... I've done it all but . . .at the same time . . .

I've barely scratched the surface. mmmmm...

of course this talking about crime is trying to offset all the heartbreak I'm feeling below.

But if you've read this blog more than once you already know that.

I'm just trying to stave off everything.

See . . . I'm . . . pretty damn stable . But . . .
When it comes to just this one girl .

Everything goes skittles . -chuckles-

There will come a time when I lose my patience .

When that happens this blog will disappear.

And so will I.

When the day comes . . .
I don't know. I'll figure it out when it comes down to it.

-sighs+leans back-

how'd it get like this... how'd you mess your whole life up.
No... it isn't messed up until she decides never to come back.

Thats when its completely ruined . Thats when I think . . .I'll quite literally take it out on everything around me.

I'll fucking explode.

-sighs- you know when a girl is PERFECT?
all of a sudden she becomes perfectly UNATTAINABLE.

fucking shite .

and I can't play her either because . . .well thats not it .
so I can't use anything on her .

Which means its just me . Because thats how we fell in love - and nothing else is the same and FUCK.

-sighs+exhales-

forget it .

So he's like "dude you'd better get back with your ex..."

and I'm like "yeah I know"

in my head I'm just . . ."where did THAT come from?"

-sighs-

so anyway I guess its pretty obvious its months on and I'm still hung up.

Or at least.... I'm holding the phone but the line is dead.

Why does shit have to be so fucked up eh?
why can't I just... be with the person I love and not have to WORRY about that kinda shit anymore period?

why not....

why's it so hard.
even when she knows she loves me...

I can't understand. I can't....

you've left me twice now.

you lied to me that you were alone, just simply loving me, until april .

when I found out in the worst way that you were with another guy.

I came back just for you - I dropped my whole life - for you. - true that was my own damned mistake now wasn't it? Now that you can - proclaim and trumpet from your high horse - ohhh yess jeremy deserves this. He came back for me I never asked him to do anything.

sure . use a little brains for once why don'tcha?

and I still fucking love you even right now.

I can't help myself - but my brain's kicking me in the balls for it.

You were with him since last fucking year?!

Talk about fuckin truth... you couldn't even wait or give us a goddamned chance could you now.

And you fucking left .

you lying......

nevermind.

face the truth.
I was always true about staying with you forever. You even wanted to get engaged in 2012.
I was cool with that.

You left for a fucking convenient love just because I couldn't be around at the time.
and now you're just refusing to even talk to me because lets face it deep fucking down there're still feelings in there.

yaknow why?

Because you chose a convenient love over a perfect one.

I know better.

And I know you.

And I still love you carolyn.

I will try.

I will try. I will try. I will fucking try.

FUCK .

how is this possible. I must have like split personalities or something...

I probably do actually...

god damn fucking WHORE .

damn you jeremy why'd you go and trust some lying bitch huh?!
Why'd you make an exception why the fuck.

Oh because you fell in "LOVE" oh fucking great look where thats landed YOU UP .

Now you're fucking STUCK UNABLE TO GET OVER SOME STUPID CHICK WHO LEFT YOU.

GREAT .

FUCKING GREAT .

And it isn't even about getting over anymore .

Its just about getting back with her .

Fuck...

Who knew emotions were so messy eh?

thats why I always kept them out of relationships UNTIL I FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS CHICK AND IT WAS SO FUCKING GREAT .

-sighs-

until she left me.

-scratches the keyboard-

ffrrkk .
and I show so much self restraint.
I try you know?

nobody in this country knows the kind of person I am

but... fuck.

I can't go back down that path.

I won't. I must not.

Not even if she gives herself to him completely.

I mustn't .

I won't .

I will maintain with dignity what I have ever since I've been with her.

I will not lose my calm.
I will not resort to violence any more.

I will not.

I will not resort to violence.

I will not reap the rewards of suffering.

Not anymore jeremy not anymore.

stop.

The end.

This blog hasn't been a return to normality.

Its been a descent into pain, emotional turmoil and general emotional wounding.

I can't stay this way forever.

find me where snaps of time are kept precious , and chucked into books of memories.

I don't know who you are ,

but while I know this quote , and I know this head knowledge ,

I can't bring myself to do it .

I can't .

But thank you . whoever you are .

"There are many incredible women in this world. If you're hung up on one particular girl you just can't get out of your mind - and she hasn't given you any sense that she shares the feelings - then recognize that's not love you're feeling, but obsession. And that obsession is likely to scare her away. The best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to go out and interact with as many women as possible, until you realize that there are plenty of people out there for you - some of whom are capable of recognizing your worth and reciprocating your feelings."

Thanks buddy - but I've made a choice , and its to be . . . myself . unadulterated .
minus the playing .
minus all the bullshit .

with this one girl .

even if I drive her away at least I know I've done my best .

see . . . that way I prove to myself once and for all .

whether , if you be yourself with a girl , you can keep her love .
or at least , I being myself .

if this ends up falling to bits , at least I'll know for sure , I'll need to fake it to make it .

and then it'll be a sad fucking reality , and there'll still be no one girl that would have loved me the way she did .

but until she walks away forever , I'll always harbour hope .